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Understanding Grief At some point in our lives, each
of us faces the loss of someone or something dear to us. The grief that follows such a loss can seem unbearable, but grief is actually a healing process. Grief is the emotional suffering we feel after a loss of some
kind. The death of a loved one, loss of a limb even intense disappointment can cause grief. Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross has named five stages of grief people go through following a serious loss. These stages describe
common emotional states that can occur following a major loss:
1. Denial and Isolation.
At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage
may last a few moments, or longer.
2. Anger.
The grieving person may then be furious: at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it the event take place, even
if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
3. Bargaining.
Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"
4. Depression.
The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
5. Acceptance.
This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.
Grief and Stress: During grief, it is common to have many conflicting feelings. Sorrow, anger, loneliness, sadness, shame, anxiety and guilt often accompany serious losses. Having so many strong feelings can be
very stressful. Yet denying the feelings, and failing to allow yourself to grieve, is harder on the body and mind than going through them. When people suggest "looking on the bright side," or other ways of
cutting off difficult feelings, the grieving person may feel pressured to hide or deny these emotions. Then it will take longer for healing to take place. OBSTACLES TO HEALING Grief is a
misunderstood and neglected process in life. Because responding to death is often awkward, uncomfortable, even frightening for both grievers and helpers, those concerned may avoid dealing with grief. This can make the
experience more lonely and unhappy than it might be otherwise. In addition, society promotes many misconceptions about grief that may actually hinder the recovery and growth that follow loss. For example, many believe
it necessary to try to change how a grieving friend is feeling and may do so by making statements such as, "You must be strong," "You have to get on with your life," or "It's good that he didn't
have to suffer." Such clichés may help the one saying them, but are rarely helpful to the griever. Society also promotes the misconception that it is not appropriate to show emotions except at the funeral, and that
recovery should be complete within six months. A helper needs to avoid these and other ways of minimizing a persons grief. Those in grief need to be encouraged to recover in their own ways. GUIDELINES FOR HELPING
Helpers often ask questions such as: "What should I do? What should I say? Am I doing the right thing? Did I do the wrong thing?" Here are some suggestions for helping the person in grief.
Make contact. Make a phone call, send a card, attend the funeral, bake and deliver cookies. Dont let discomfort, fear, or uncertainty stand in the way of making contact and being a friend.
Provide practical help. Its usually not enough to say, "If theres anything I can do, let me know." Decide on a task you can help with and make the offer. Be available and accepting.
Accept the words and feelings expressed, avoid being judgmental or taking their feelings personally, avoid telling them how they should feel or what they should do. Be a good listener.
Many in grief need to talk about their loss; the person, related events, and their reactions. Allow grievers to tell their stories and express their feelings. Be patient and accepting of their expressions.
Exercise patience.
Give bereaved people "permission" to grieve for as long or short a time as needed. Make it clear that there is no sense of "urgency" when you visit or talk. Remember, there are no shortcuts.
Encourage self-care.
Encourage bereaved people to attend to physical needs, postpone major decisions, allow themselves to grieve and to recover. At the same time, they may need your support in getting back into activities and making decisions.
Model good self-care.
Its important for you to maintain a realistic and positive perspective, to maintain your own life and responsibilities, and to seek help when you feel overwhelmed or dont know how to handle a situation. |
